Mirrors Lie!

Mirrors Lie!

For as long as I can remember I have avoided mirrors. I don't know why this started at such a young age for me. "UGLY" the word swirled in my brain. "FAT" was another adjective that the mirror often shouted at me. ( No I don't hallucinate -- this is a metaphor )

I always felt ( even in elementary school ) that the other students were staring at me, talking about me, and laughing at me. For the most part this wasn't 100% true -- however -- I was told plenty of times that I was not attractive, I was fat, I was ugly etc. I listened to those children and since I already believed this myself -- I assumed it MUST BE TRUE.

Sadly, this has followed me into adulthood. Even in college ( I did start dating ) most of the guys kept me "secret". ( By the way ladies or gentlemen DO NOT LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL LESS BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME DESERVING SECRET ). This furthered chipped away at my already fragile self etsteem.

I graduated college. I gave the commencement address ( a good one I might add ) in front of thousands of people. I went on to teach which is something that I LOVE. Still, ugly and fat were words that snuck into my brain all the time. I did all kinds of diets, exercise, etc. to be what I thought was beautiful. It was and is never enough. 

Now, fast foward to today, I am agoraphobic. I have admitted that freely. I held on to my anxiety disorder and panic attacks like a tight secret that could never be let out of the "box of shame". But, should I be ashamed? Is it my fault? No -- but in my mind I still hear YES! YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF -- which is insane because who would WANT to be agoraphobic.

I've been crying the past few days. I've been crying because I hate that I "let myself" get this way. In truth, I didn't let myself get any certain way. But, for me -- the overachiever and perfectionist -- the painfully shy, scared, fat, and ugly girl -- I LET myself get this way.

It's been way worse the past few days because my teeth are getting worse and worse. I NEED to go to an oral surgeon and have them removed. Between my parents and adulthood I've probably spent 30k on fillings, bonding, etc. 

I had antibiotics often as an infant. This specific antibiotic is not given to babies anymore because they have been proven to be detrimental to adult teeth -- which is what happened to me. That's not my fault -- but I don't have the money to fix my teeth even though I'm in agonizing pain as I write this. 

I'm still crying.

I'm crying because I don't have the money to have the rest of the extractions ( 8,050 at Dr. Bald's office with sedation since I cannot do novacaine and my anxiety is too high to do it any other way ) and even if I had the money I'd have to have a LOT of support to get me there and get it DONE!

I had EXTREME doctor/dental phobia before I fell into the rabbit hole of agoraphobia. Now, it's even worse.

So, I cry.

I'm not crying simply at the thought of losing my teeth.

I'm not crying simply because my perfectionist brain believes I've screwed up my life.

I'm not crying because of pain ( well mostly not ).

I'm not crying because if I could get the treatment ( extractions only Dr. Bald doesn't do dentures ) I'd have to have people pretty much dragging me and trying to calm me the whole way there and likely for days after.

All that is horrible.

But, what is worse is the thought of how much UGLIER I will be if I got the treatment that I so desperately needed and cannot afford.

The same goes with a service dog. I've been written a prescription ( even though one is not required ) but I cannot afford it -- and I feel like I don't deserve it because obviously I somehow allowed myself to become agoraphobic. 

So now I look in the mirror and it says ugly and nonfunctional. 

Yes, I do things at home. Yes, I go outside my house. I just can't go to town, or to shop, or to do things that I want/need to do.

I guess I'm divulging all this because it's late at night, I'm hurting horribly, and I don't want anyone else to go down the rabbit hole of anxiety. If it is caught early you can spare yourself what I'm going through at the moment.

It's taken me ONE YEAR to be comfortable home alone ( most days ) and go for short rides.

Also, as of late, I've been dealing with some cyberbullying. I was told that "I would rather flush money down the toilet instead of giving it to a piece of crap like you " ( this is in reference to a go fund me I set up for a service dog. I've also been told I'm ugly, fat, and shouldn't be alive. I've been told my teeth are bad because I likely don't brush them.

Bullying doesn't really have an age limit and I am trying so hard to develop a thicker skin. It's hard. It makes me cry. I have not actively chosen to be agoraphobic or have bad teeth. I likely brushed my teeth and flossed ( more than I should ) . But, people only see the outside. 

They want to throw labels at you: UGLY FAT STUPID DUMB WORTHLESS HOPELESS USELESS GROSS

Yes, I've been called ALL these things.

I've put a post it on my mirror to try to remind myself that MIRRORS LIE -- SCALES LIE.

One day I hope to look in a mirror and feel beautiful. I honestly can't remember ever saying "Wow I look nice". I know the insides matter but most people want to be able to see beauty from the outside as well.

This has gotten a LOT longer than I anticipated. i am rambling. I guess because people are SO CLOSED MOUTH about things such as panic attacks, anxiety, agoraphobia, and even dental issues because the first thing you see is a "smile". 

I haven't had a "Smile" for years.

I always joked I wanted teeth for Christmas.

I guess I will keep asking Santa and add a service dog to my Christmas letter to the man  with the long white beard.