Goals not Resolutions ---- Happy New Year from your friendly neighborhood agoraphobic!

Resolutions for 2018

NO I don't do resolutions

I DO GOALS!

Drink more WATER

Go out more and oh.....

BECOME A BUTTERFLY

Metamorphosize or.....

Go to the grocery store and shop ALONE without my heart racing, chest hurting, face getting purply red, losing my breath, feeling like I'm going crazy, getting tunnel vision, getting dizzy, feeling like I'm going to faint from the massive panic attack I'm describing and oh yeah, by the way.....

RECOVER FROM AGORAPHOBIA

Yeah, I said it.....

I'm not ashamed. I won't feel guilty!

I did not choose this. It's a DISORDER not a DECISION!

'

Hi, I have Agoraphobia

Imagine needing eye drops, craving Taco Bell, and wanting some specific grocery items, and needing a haircut and your ear and throat hurt horribly. Your eyes feel like sandpaper, you are CRAVING a bean burrito BAD, and you NEED those groceries. But, guess what? YOU CANNOT go get them. You can't even get a simple haircut or eyebrow wax ( to help you feel a little better about yourself because this disorder already steals your self worth and self esteem ) because .....You HAVE to depend on someone else because you can't go out. You can't just go to the doctor or ER because you're SO SCARED (for some unknown reason even to yourself) that your pulse was 140+ the last time you went to the hospital ..... Just the thought of doing those "simple" chores make you feel like you might pass out. It seems simple. On "paper" it looks so easy -- but not for me. Because, I have panic disorder with Agoraphobia ( and just for fun a nice dose of PMDD, OCD, GAD, and generalized anxiety disorder ). Those are a lot of acronyms and basically it means I have pretty much every disorder on the anxiety spectrum. ( But, that's another day -- another post )

I'm not doing this for attention.

I hate this disorder.

It makes you feel like a burden on everyone. They have to get EVERYTHING we need. It's very hard to feel so dependent on other people especially when you used to be independent. You ( well me ) were the class president, delivered the commencement address, were in a sorority, lived for concert and clubbing and now can't go get a haircut. It's a huge change and a crushing blow to my already fragile self esteem.

I'm fighting it with all my might (And with A LOT of prayers) because this is a battle I WILL win!

You see -- agoraphobia is sneaky. It doesn't just come out of the blue and one day **BAM** you can't leave your house. It's a disorder of progression (or at least for me and most others ).  My world and "safe places" became smaller and smaller till there were none left. Ironically, I had my WORST panic attacks right here in this house (aka prison) BUT it wasn't in front of a bunch of strangers thinking ..... THIS LADY IS CRAZYTOWN!

Agoraphobia is typically a result of panic disorder. Panic disorder is a disorder when you have panic attacks out of the blue (or with certain triggers.) My main trigger was GERMS!

Yes, I'm a misophobe (germaphobe) but this wasn't always the case. I only became so scared of germs when I became deathly afraid of doctors and hospitals. You see where this is going? If you go out to a populated place where there are a lot of (GASP GERMS) then you run the risk of falling ill. The you MIGHT have to go to a doctor or the ER.

For me, I had become SO SCARED of doctors and hospitals that I started limited where I was going and how many people would be around. 

Just seeing someone talking about an illness on Facebook or hearing someone telling me about an illness would make my pulse RACE with fear.

I'm not 100% sure when I became so deathly afraid of doctors and hospitals. In therapy, I've realized it's the result of multiple traumas surrounding my dealings with them. They add up a bit at a time like Jenga pieces. However, the tower got too high, someone pulled out the wrong piece, and DOWN went the tower *and me*. 

So, that was the initial trigger to me avoiding areas, having safe places, etc. But, I got a little better a few years ago. Then, I started having the panic attacks again, BAD. Every place I'd have a panic attack would be marked off my list -- NEVER GO AGAIN!

Soon, there were only 2-3 places I could go ( with safety in my mind ). 

Then -- last December 2016 there were NO PLACES LEFT!

I have to admit that December 2016-June 2017 were probably some of the worst months of my life but I learned to be more empathetic so there is the silver lining. 

It was the first time in my life I've felt REAL depression complete with hopelessness, sadness, and feeling like I'd never recover. I totally lost my appetite and lost 37 pounds in 6 weeks. I was SURE there must be a physical reason but I was checked TWICE and both times I was given "panic attack" as a diagnosis. 

Therapy is something I should have done LONG ago. My sexual assualt ( that I hid because of  misguided shame ), my husband's near fatal accident, my "Mammaw's" death, my car accident where I suffered a TBI ( and we are now discovering that is a huge part of my issue because the areas that developed small bleeds were where we process trauma and memories ), seven miscarriages, etc. etc. the list goes on. But, I WAS strong. I DID NOT need therapy or help. I was also very very WRONG.

I did not start making any progress until I began weekly therapy (telehealth because HELLO agoraphobic and can't go out which makes finding doctors VERY VERY challenging and very expensive because most telehealth is not covered by insurance).  This subject deserves a post on its own because people do not understand agoraphobia. They tell you to "come in" or an appointment or therapy. HELLO MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS .... do you know what agoraphobia means?



I can't even get the dental work I desperately need. When my adult teeth came in they did not have the correct amount of enamel. That meant tons of cavities, fillings, and THOUSANDS of dollars of dental work. This past year because I went into a malnourishment stage of not eating ( Yes you can be overweight and malnourished ) my teeth RAPIDLY declined and became like chalk. I haven't had a piece of meat in so long I can't remember. I am also not allowed novacaine so I have to be put to sleep for dental work. I was FINALLY a big girl ( insert sarcasm here because even calling doctors or dentists can set off anxiety ) and called Dr. Bald ( locally ). To surgically removing my remaining teeth (22) is 8050.00. Yeahhhhhh, not gonna happen. A few friends suggested "Gofundme" or "youcaring" but I guess I have some independence (*Cough pride*) left. Then there is the 2k for dentures for 6-9 months until my gums would heal for implants. I will say that Dr. Bald is amazing (he's worked one me twice and hugged me through panic attacks ) but I've already spent 5K at least for his services.
I'd love to eat again. I'd love to live again. I'd love not to have mouth pain 24/7. ( Sorry, I went off on a tangent as I'm prone to do at times ) I'm just explaining how hard it is for agoraphobics to get proper care they deserve.

I know this is a LONG post and I thank you if you're reading this (still). I just wanted to give you a little taste of what we go through each day. Simple luxuries that are taken for granted like getting a haircut, having a pedicure, or even shopping for clothing or groceries become mountainous tasks. I feel like I've been GROVELING to get someone to cut my hair and do my eyebrows. I want to LOOK better because that helps me FEEL better. 

I hope you all realize I'm not "crazy".

I even pray that I recover and am able to begin the process to foster a child or children. I may never be able to carry a biological child but every child deserves a good home. WHEN (not if ) I recover from agoraphobia I know that I will be a great mother and I have a LOT of love to give to any child in need. ( until then I have my fur babies ). 

With the help of some wonderful friends I met in a support group, a few books I've been reading, therapy, and my newest addition (CBD oil) I've been able to make it from home to the waterfront without a meltdown. To you -- that may seem simple. To me -- it was like graduating from college all over again.

It took almost 6 months for me to make that journey. 

So -- I do have goals this year. I am still going to take "baby steps" but those steps lead to recovery.

- DRINK MORE WATER
- DEAL WITH TEETH ISSUES

- JOURNAL

- PRACTICE MORE MINDFULNESS

- EMDR FOR SPECIFIC PHOBIAS and TRAUMAS

- EXPOSURE THERAPY

- YOGA

- GET BACK TO MAKING SOAP

- LIVE NOT EXIST!

- CONTINUE CBD OIL

I truly hope you'll share this post. There are more of "us" than you might expect and you might help or even save someone struggling. I've come a long way this past year and have a long way to go. Thank you all for reading and all I ask is for prayers, understanding, sharing, and love. 

Also, please comment if you read this -- let me know if you'd like me to go into detail about anything I've mentioned. 

Happy New Year and lots of love!